Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

TOPIC 1 – How to fill up the ice cube trays:

Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 – The toilet paper roll:

Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

TOPIC 3 – How to fight cerebral atrophy:

Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

TOPIC 4 – Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor:

Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 – The after-dinner dishes and silverware:

Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 – Loss of identity:

Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 – Learning how to find things:

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 – Health watch:

Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 – Real men ask for directions when lost:

Real life estimonials.

TOPIC 10 – Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?

Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 – Learning to live:

Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 – How to be the ideal shopping companion:

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Carlsberg don’t do Cup Finals…

…Carling do.

How Government Works (Surprisingly Accurate)

If you’ve ever been part of a restructure/review at your workplace, you’ll know that someone will always lose out in order to accomodate others. Sure it can be worded in so many other ways, task reduction, streamlining efficiency, and other fancy terms which can pretty much all equate to losing a job. Below is an uncanny example of the bureaucracy that plagues the ethics of our organisations:

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said,

- “Someone may steal from it at night.”

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said,

- “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said,

- “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- “How are these people going to get paid?”

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said,

- “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

Hilarious Rick Ross Impersonation

As you may know, Ricky has been a regular feature in recent hip-hop news. This impression of him is hilarious even if it doesn’t imitate the man himself.

Exercising Advice

1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending £500 in the process. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.

9. I don’t jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.

10. Actually, I don’t exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.

TV Advert – Cadbury Eyebrows

Quality advert from the people that brought you the drumming gorilla.

I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail…

I don’t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email, or the fact that I cc’d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

Footy Fight – 26/01/09

Every Monday I have to both endure and enjoy the weekly squabble between my Spurs and Arsenal colleagues. Regardless of anyone’s interest in the sport, and the fact that Arsenal are in fact the stronger, better, faster team(no surprise for who I support then), the debates are quite funny, and show that the rivalry is still strong…

Jim:

What’s up with Spurs then Bob?
It’s like a revolving door.
No sooner have they sold “their best” players then they are buying them back. Defoe, Chimbonda? Huh? Why Bob? Why?
…Then they buy dad’s army Cudiccini.

I wonder if they will put in a sneaky bid for Sol brutha No.1 Campbell seeing as Ledley King has arthritis in his knees…

Bob:

We should never have sold Defoe in the first place, his signing in my eyes is a victory for common sense. Chimbonda though……….(you can’t see it but I am shrugging my shoulders)……..at least it is a good bit of business, we sold him for £6m and bought him back for £3m and persuaded him to take a pay cut. Also, Cudiccini is 35, which is ok for a keeper, especially when they are cover. I think you should have gone for him, he is class.

Good luck against the mighty Cardiff.

Jim:

Thanks for the swift response but you never commented about the Sol Campbell link which makes me think that ‘Arry has got his eye on him.
He’s turning you into an even bigger laughing stock first Bentley, then Defoe and now potentially Sol Campbell…
Spurs are going backwards and downwards…

Bob:

With the Sol Campbell there is nothing to respond to.
Defoe is a good buy, we all know it, we just wont all admit it.
As for Bentley he is starting to find his form again, this is the same as the last time you tried to talk football, you are about 3 months out of date. Fingers crossed Obama beats McCain eh Jim! I know it’s a couple of months off but what are you doing for Christmas this year?

Jim:

I apologise but the situation at Sperz gets me down.
If only they got relegated to the Championship, that way they would be out of sight and out of mind and we wouldn’t have to be continually bombarded by their dreary exploits.

Bob:

That’s weird, I feel exactly the same about Arsenal…………..though your track record of beating championship teams isn’t great. Maybe we could take out the middle man and send you straight to league 1.

Matt:

Spu*s will NEVER be able to match the class, guile and prestige of Arsenal!!

Bob:

Except when we are beating you 5-1 or coming from 2 goals down with 30 seconds on the clock to draw at your ground of course. Dear oh dear……………..I think for that comment alone you should turn it off in shame.

Matt:

The fact that it infuriates you so much is also very pleasing, especially you being a Tott*nh*m fan.

The fact you guys even exist at all is a constant source of irritation for me, however, I just have to live with it (although generally smug in the knowledge that we are light years ahead of that miserable team and old dumpy stadium at White Parp Lane).

You, boy, can live with my read receipt…

How could I deprive myself of the weekly joys of highlighting the failures of Tott*nh*m to yet another deluded and bitter Spuds fan! Haha!

PS, find your own stadium design and stop trying to copy everything we do ok.

Bob:

Your stadium is a pile of concrete sh!te festering about the council tip. Ours is a shining beacon of illuminated aluminium outer casing with a floating roof. When will you realise Arsenal don’t possess the style and finesse of your far superior and richer neighbours. You are Richard Briers to our Margot Ledbetter.

Jim:

This is getting ugly.
…and now you are bringing class into this!
Everyone knows that Arsenal is the classiest club in the land.
Marble halls and all that…

Bob:

You live on a dump, that says all I need to know about your club…

Until domani mi amici. Arrivaderci.

I went for a job interview. The interviewer told me I would earn £1200 per month.

Then after six months I would be on £1400 per month.

I told him I’d start in six months time.

My wife spends alot of time on eBay.

But no, I still haven’t had any bids for her.